Grow

More, better, harder, faster--
Healing is stillness,
Growing slow like planting in the fall
Resting in the cold earth
Shedding husk and sprouting
Nothing you can see
Above the surface, in the dirt

Birth

Four hours I push for,
numb legs held wide while doctors said I couldn't, but I did 
only posicle sugar and God for strength 
Baby in my arms, but  love didn't come like a wave 
More like mist that thickens over time,

over long nights and bodies of water
Pain returns slowly, but shame comes quick 
Not enough, the nurse said 

pulling baby from the breast
I feel empty and full, blurred by tiredness and change 
Stumbling from bed to nicu, in rotations,
In dried vernix and new blood
Baby attached to cords, nipples dry in pumps
I ask the nurse why my skin burns, swollen. Ask an OB, she says inspecting baby. 

Only, that's a different ward so I say nothing. Old clothes still don't fit, but I am not pregnant only unprepared. 

Not the kind that leaves bruises and marks on your skin
Not the broken glass and blood
Not the hiding under baggy clothes and make up 
The kind where you're not sure
But every day you feel a little worse
Like sinking in the sand but the struggle doesn’t help
You blame yourself 
But there is nothing to see here 
No sticks and stones  
But words that always hurt me

Most nights don't call for prayers
Just sleeping undering stars
No need for the weight of pews
But with death in the air
God is better at separating
Bodies from their souls
What do I know of unmaking 
Only verses memorized
Not the slow unraveling
Of what once was vital 
Bones alone are wild
When the deity is gone

God is in the Garden

God is in the garden 
Barefoot, grounded 
Shrouded in the mists

God is in the dewdrops
Teardrops, glisten 
Sparkling on the petals

God is in the trees
Branches, outstretched
Filtering out the sun

God is in the stones
Ancient, embedded 
Buried in the earth

God is in the dirt
Solid, shifting
Nourishing the roots

Gentle Love

Past the rush of first kisses 
Now where my soul goes to rest
Lying in the tall green grass underneath the sun cycle of many years
With the backdrop 
of the snowcapped mountains
50 miles away but close enough to touch
My head on your shoulder, our place in the world found, eyes closed 
Listening to the waves of the Sound
Break on a shore of beach glass and rocks 
Hearts full, hands entwined
Breathing in the spice of evergreen trees freshly washed in the soft,  silent mist

Manifest Destiny

I want you to be expansive 
Lift your arms to the sky and be as big as you can
Take up the space you need to breathe deep
Lift your arms until your gold and silver bangles clink against your dark skin
Each bracelet defiant against those who said to shush--
Speak less, moderate your tone,
Less harsh, less loud, less colorful, 
Less power.
Stand firm and wide on the ground you claim
The wind can blow at your colorful skirt, press against your shape, but it won't knock you over
Keep the big hoops in your ears
And your curly hair down
Beads on your neck and rings on your hand
Make all the noise you want
Do not let yourself be contained, be silent, be tamed
Keep all the pieces of yourself 
When you are cut bleed, bleed so they see the damage 
Scream, scream so loud they have to look
If they run, take up that space also
Use the fuel of everything you've swallowed
To expand, to grow, to birth the life you nurtured.