Birth

Four hours I push for,
numb legs held wide while doctors said I couldn't, but I did 
only posicle sugar and God for strength 
Baby in my arms, but  love didn't come like a wave 
More like mist that thickens over time,

over long nights and bodies of water
Pain returns slowly, but shame comes quick 
Not enough, the nurse said 

pulling baby from the breast
I feel empty and full, blurred by tiredness and change 
Stumbling from bed to nicu, in rotations,
In dried vernix and new blood
Baby attached to cords, nipples dry in pumps
I ask the nurse why my skin burns, swollen. Ask an OB, she says inspecting baby. 

Only, that's a different ward so I say nothing. Old clothes still don't fit, but I am not pregnant only unprepared.